You are not Broken!

“I feel broken.”

I have heard and read this statement from many of my single friends. It didn't sound like a healthy thing. I wondered why there are so many of us struggling with the same feeling. Then one day in May as I was driving to work in the morning the revelation hit me. After a year all the pieces of the puzzle were coming together.

I too had struggled by labeling myself as broken. “Why did I think that I was broken?” Well, it is very simple. After my divorce, one of my friends wrote me a note. She is a great writer and she had already been through a divorce. In this note, she compared divorce to losing a limb. She said that going through a divorce is like losing an arm or a leg. She said you will live through it but afterwards you have to learn to live differently. Yes, it made sense. She was an intelligent woman. She spelled it out for me. I am now operating without a limb; I am broken. I am still alive but just missing something.

Divorce is just like anything else in life. You can describe it and talk about it. You won’t fully comprehend the concept until you live through it. I can compare it to childbirth. Every time you give birth, it is a process. No childbirth is the same. There can be similarities but we are all individuals and we act and think differently. Being a novice I had no idea of what had just hit me and how to recover. I had just been through a traumatic event. I turned to others for answers. I wanted to know that I would be fine. I wanted reassurance that I was making right decisions. Not having the life experience I listened to someone I deemed an expert in the matter.

Now I know that each divorce is very individualistic and an experience of its own. There are no right or wrong answers. There is no owner’s manual on how to do it correctly. You can listen to others and read about it but you won’t fully understand how involved and deeply rooted this issue can be on so many levels. This is a life defining moment that truly can push you to be something greater than you ever imagined or kill you. It can easily crush you, pound you and mold you into an insecure, bitter and selfish person.

February 13, 2013 my attorney sent me a text with a photo. The text read; “Congratulations you are officially divorced!” The photo was a copy of the court docket which showed the divorce decree signed and entered by the judge. There I was in class looking at my phone numb to any emotion at the moment. I had been waiting for this moment for so long and anticipating a celebration. I felt like I needed this paper. It was going to be my freedom and release from all the pain that the person I trusted had put me through. I had been waiting for this paper as a permission slip into a new life. It was a train ticket out of town. I didn’t know where I would end up but I was sure I wanted to leave.

That night I had a dream. I was in a room and there was a door. This door suddenly opened. I could see the dark sky surrounded by stars on the other side. It seemed like this house was floating in space. I was terrified to take a step forward. It was dark and scary outside that door. I was safe inside the house I didn’t want to leave that security but I felt a force pushing me out the door. I clung to the door frame too afraid to step outside. I had been waiting for this door to open. Now that it was open, I didn’t want to walk through it. I was afraid of what I would find on the other side alone.

In this moment, I was reminded by a higher power of something very important which I knew was significant but I could not put that significance into words at the time. Last fall my class did a unit on butterflies. I ordered caterpillars for my class. We watched the caterpillars grow and thrive in their jar. Within a week, they had grown enormous amounts and most of the food in the jar was almost depleted. The following week we came back to find the larva had gone into their pupa stage. There they were hanging from the ceiling of the jar. The caterpillars had spun their chrysalis and were settling in for their transformation. Safe in their cocoons. With the help of a friend, I transferred the chrysalis from the jars to a butterfly net. Through the mesh, we were able to see how the chrysalis changed color and became clear. We could see through the film that protected the creatures. We could also see that a transformation had occurred.

One morning all work came to a complete halt when one of the butterflies broke out of its chrysalis. There was so much excitement in the air. I could feel the energy running high in my room. We had been witnesses to a small miracle that we take for granted in the name of science. We whispered all morning to each other. We didn’t want to disturb our friends and frighten them. Within a few days all the butterflies had come out and were flying around the cage. After the excitement of trying out their wings the butterflies settled into their new skin.

After a few more days, I decided that it was time to set them free. I checked the weather forecast to make sure that the weather would be warm enough to release them. I wanted to give the butterflies an opportunity to fly south under the best conditions. Naturally as a mother, I wanted my butterflies to fly safely home without getting caught in any harsh weather conditions. I felt like their wings were still fragile and might not be strong enough for such a long journey. I needed to be mindful of not overburdening them so late in the fall.

We had been discussing animal migration in class as well. When you live in Utah, all the seasons seem short but winter. Right before lunch on a Monday morning, we set the butterflies free. I opened the cage door so they could fly out and make their journey. Some of them hesitated to leave. This cage was safe and secure. I had to pry them off the net and nudge them out. I asked the kids where they thought the butterflies would go? “Do you think they are flying somewhere warm?”

“Yes, somewhere warm.” repeated my class.

I wanted to follow the butterflies that fall. If only I had wings and I knew how to use them I would have followed them. I did not know if I was strong enough to survive a long, cold, dark winter alone that year.

I had been feeling a transformation. It had been a year since my divorce. I had survived. I now needed to thrive in this new world that I had created for myself.

This leads me to my dilemma. How am I to thrive in a world with so many broken pieces? Why am I still labeling myself as broken. Why do we say to each other, “I am broken?” I now see that it was an excuse. I was blinded to the fact that I went through a transformation. Yes, the caterpillar lost its legs but it grew wings! This is exciting news when you think about it unless you don’t know what to do with those wings. We are not a world of humans missing body parts. We are beautiful creatures that don’t know how to fly. We are too afraid to try use our wings and fly.

I have come to realize that my body was not broken. It was my dreams that were broken. The precious dreams that I shared with another person that were shattered and broken. This dream changed from two individuals that shared the same goals to a nightmare in which I (alone) had to fight and struggle to survive.

I came out of that war alive but with scars. Some of my scars are invisible. They cut deep in my heart hidden from the visible eye. Some people’s scars are visible through their attitudes and personality. These people have become bitter and unhappy. They dwell on those scars. I have always been a person of faith. I decided that I had to let go of the past and let those cuts heel without giving them too much thought. It was hard at first because those scars consumed my life. At first, I would dwell on my scars. Later on, I would be too busy to look at my scars until someone would ask me about them. I did not want to be labeled as a broken human being. I don’t want to make a new life with someone that is broken.

I am ready to embrace this transformation! I am ready to embrace this metamorphosis that can not be stopped. If a change was to occur, I had to heal myself without destroying myself in the process or others. I had to live in the pain and let the wounds build scar tissue and heal themselves. Unfortunately that took time. As any child will do instinctively, I ran to my mother for comfort. I did not want to burden my mother whom brought me into this world. She felt the need to carry my pain and suffering. I did not want to place this heavy burden on her. I knew I needed to feel the love of a mother though. Only a mother can love unselfishly.

I ran to the only other mother that I knew that could heal me. Instinctively, I knew that Mother Nature would give me the nurture that I needed. I lay on her bosom and cried to her. She held me close in her arms in the meadows of flowers where I laid to be closer to her. I felt her heart beat as I stopped to listen to the sounds around me, as I lost myself deep in the woods. I felt her love and warmth as the sun’s rays hit my back on all my travels. I felt her blow life back into me as the wind hit my face when I rode my bike. Every river and stream that I crossed and every raindrop that fell on me cleansed my soul and wiped the sadness off my face. Somewhere, somehow-I stopped looking at my scars and I looked at the beauty found around and within me. All this work and exploring made me thirsty for life.

If Mother Nature could help me see the beauty again, why could she not answer the questions that I have had and longed to have someone answer for me? “What is wrong with me?” The answer was there this whole time. I was busy trying to survive that I was not able to see the answers until now. I was not broken. I was deeply hurt and that pain propelled a transformation. I jumped into my chrysalis for security and I was forced to come out. I came out without legs. This was so confusing to me. How would I live without legs?

I did not understand that my creator had a plan for me. He took my legs and gave me wings. I have just come to understand this message. I was so excited with this enlightenment that I wanted to share this with you! When I lost my legs I had no idea what to do. I was so used to walking on two feet that I was paralyzed with fear when I lost them. I can now look back and see that those two legs that took me so far on my life’s path were actually holding me down. With my wings I can soar higher and see new horizons to which I could not see before walking on the ground. Now I understand, “Thank you Heavenly Father for my wings!

“You can create beauty in the depths of despair.” Maite Cervantes Velez